sarabraj.com: Trust is all you have

After I had to say goodbye to my beloved father, with whom I had a most epic relationship; full of ups and downs but with an unearthly love charge and after my stomach tumor was sucessfully evicted from my body I was able to see that it was time for some serious changes.

And because all dynamics in the universe are ruled by »action is reaction«, the beloved one provided. Than on top after 12 years, I lost my job as a jounalist. After such a long time in my comfort zone, life tested the strength of my intention for change. And gave me practicly no chance to refuse, because in that place the pain was so unreal that I couldn't bare to stay. I simply had to move on, staying would have meant an end of me.

The reason for such egregious pain was realizing that after my dad passed away, my family was gone. My mother, my father, my brother even my two beloved cats; all gone. My dad tried fill the vacuum that was created after my mom left this world but then even he moved onto heaven. The hole that was left by the absence was inexpressible. I began to understand how much of my life I had created around them.

Thank God I still had a beautiful relationship with my husband. However, during the chaos of my illness and my father passing, he had to move to the Netherlands. Was this test? Seriously I thought, how much can I be asked to handle. The recession in Slovenia and his karma with his family made the move best for our family. Im grateful for the capacity to see the big picture when I look at all these events coming together. I simply understood in my heart that it was time to experience love beyond attachments, pure flow that goes deeper then physical proximity, that does not get lost in relationships, projections, expectations, conditions. A kind of love that simply IS.

With my hubby gone, all illusion of stability vanished. I, the caregiver, the one who lived to give, was left alone in my dad's apartment to clean it up and prepare for a new life.

I needed to do something drastic to get out of the pain and escape victim role that was trying to catch me. I had a strong feeling that I would love to process the pain somewhere where my body and mind could surrender to nature, in case the feelings came on too agressively. The Camino seemed the perfect place for this new beginning. It was time for some serious action and I wanted to create my new path, my own new self in a world unknown. I wished to imprint in my subconscious that I CAN DO IT. I CAN MOVE ON AND CREATE A COMPLETE NEW LIFE.

I had more than 850 km of opportunity to try it out. And when the path became too cozy, my spirit created some harder circumstances to really get out of the patterns of comfort and the limited world I managed to create over the last several years.

Sounds familiar to anyone?

You know when you create a mini playground around you, one that you can control and life passes by outside of this limited reality?

Well I was »lucky« enough that destiny decided to shake every inch of that illusion and catapulted me out of my controled world somewhere in the middle of the big world. Thank God I was not left naked but was »armed« with being present and very counsious of why this was happening and how important it was to stay out of the limitations of my mind. And how crucial it is to speak up in the world and share my experiance. Though my path was pain, yours can be counsiousness, awareness, and free will.

The idea that I would travel to the end of the world (the meaning of the last town on my Camino- Finisterre) to let my family go to the light was thrilling. I was pretty excited to sit on a rock and burn the Camino t-shirt with their names written on it and all the stuff I would love to get rid of. But on the other hand something inside of me, the more present part, said not to be focused on the end but to experience the purity of the Camino in every step. So that is what I did. Not falling into the minds projection of the end but surrendering to live the moment fully.

From the present prospective the Way showed me aspects of the experience that cut true like the sharpest of razer blades. It rid me of all the parts that did not serve me anymore. In observing other pilgrims, it became clear the Camino posessed some profound force directing the purification of everyone traveling along the Way. The only thing necessary was to LET GO. To surrender to it's power and stop attempting to control it. Oh how we desperately try to control? Calculating the path, occupying our mind with where to sleep and where to eat, at what time is better to get to town to wash the clothes and accomplish our errands. It was unbelivable how much the vibration of this fear was getting in the way of many pilrams. Fear, fear, fear and on the other side, control. I decided to get over that collective drive and I cannot tell you how much courage and freedom came out of that escape. It was amaizing.

The idea that I could stop when I want, i could meditate where I want, I could eat or not...because I found the inner strenght to overcome my limited mind. The mind that wanted to make me believe I needed to race to the next village.

One night I came to a village at 1900 and went straight to the shop to find something to eat. My friends were happy to see me so I joined them for dinner and at 2100 still had no place to sleep. Everyone was wondering where I would sleep. But I really didn't care. »Maybe in front of a church« I responded, being inspired by two pilgrims who did that few days ago being locked out of the hostel after partying too long (after 2200 the doors are lockedJ).

When it was time to leave my friends, I went in one hostel that seemed the most appealing and asked the owner if there was a place to sleep. He looked at me and said there was no place at this time. I politely thanked him and began to continue my journey into the next village.« Wait, wait I belive I can place you somewhere, come with me« he waved to me and I followed. I believe you are starting allready to realize there was room. I had the whole floor to myself. »We open this just in august when a lot of tourists come. But I couldn't let you walk alone in the night« he smiled at me. I felt like a princess and I had a place to sleep with privacy, which is rare. I was happy that trusting and letting go had lead to such a beautiful outcome.

Not pushing but rather trusting in your heart that you will be in the right place at the right time to make you an even more …authentic version of you.